My story part 2

 So my high school years flew by in a blurry whirl. Don't really remember much except the bad times. Prom for instance no guy would ask me to prom so my mother set me up with another cops kid to go with me. We were friends and that's it. We didn't even make it threw pictures before we were off to the hotel party. Needless to say I couldn't tell you what happened. I do know I got in so much trouble cause somebody under age went to prom and came to the party left for some reason and wrecked. I of course got in trouble and had to cover for my date. I didn't know if he was driving or not even to this day it's still blurry. So after graduation the fun began. I thought oh yeah my life is beginning now. Boy did I take a wrong turn some where. I ended up screwing up so bad. Starting dating a guy from OK. He convinced me he loved me and I was so desperate for love and acceptance that I believed everything he said. So for some messed up reason I agreed to go to Oklahoma with him. Okay so this is the first experience with really poor that I have ever been in. I am talking no running water at all. We had to haul water up this mountain every couple of days. His whole family were nuts and here I am. They were big drinkers. So he decided to go for a drive in my car and rammed it into a tree. Not once but alot of times. So not only did I move to the land of crazy people, now I was stuck no car, no money. Oh but we had plenty of drugs and booze. One night he got so drunk he sold me to a friend for a six pack of beer.( I thought I was worth at least a 12 pack lol) So I told his parents I wanted to leave. Lucky for me his brother had come down for a visit from Branson, and I caught a ride back with nothing. So moved back in with my parents with my tail between my legs. Cause of course when I left I knew everything. He was going to marry me and we would live happily ever after. So I lived for a while with my parents till they couldn't stand my partying and coming in at 5am. They said I was to stopped if I was to live under there roof. Well I had great big ideas to leave. So I started living in my car along with my prom date and some others. We thought it was awesome till we sobered up, then it wasn't so great but I wasn't going back to my parents. Nope I was to proud.(ha) So my BF got a call from my mother telling her what was going on and of course she came all the way from IL to rescue me. She took me back with her and started getting my head on straight. Her poor husband didn't know what he was getting into. LOL We had some good times. So I got my own apartment in this 1800's house that had been split up. Well let's just say that we had been going to the bars. Not sure what was going on but either it was haunted or some one was screwing with us. So I ended up packing my shit, saying good bye to my BF and tucking my tail. So someone had this wonderful idea to have me move to Springfield to stay with my mom's friend as a roommate. Stay tuned for Part 3

My Story part 1

Okay first and foremost I hate talking about this. My mom and dad said I should write a book. Ha.. I need to share this so here goes. Stay with me and don't judge me for what I have done. If you can't do this stop reading this now. So First you should know I had wonderful parents who tried. My mother was a police officer. When she wasn't at work she was helping my dad at his business. They were also firefighters. I was what they called a latch key kid. I grew up way to fast when I was 5 or 6 I could carry on a adult conversation and worked at my parents shop. Every morning my dad would take me to school but first we stopped and got donuts for my breakfast. Then off to school which being a poor over weight child was rough. I was lonely to the point that food became my friend. There started my addiction. So at a young age I learned I wasn't skinny and beautiful like all the other kids. I was never invited to birthday parties. I was always a outcast not only was I fat(strike 1) but i was in special education classes (strike 2) and we were poor(strike 3). Okay so my grandmother(god bless her) took me to a doctor while my parents were out of town. He diagnosed me with severe depression. So move on to age 12. I got my first job. I had money so here comes the sneaking of sweets. I would hide the wrappers and boxes of such under my bed. Mom and dad never checked my room. My addiction to food was growing to the point of my parents were locking up the good (sweets and fating foods). But I learned how to break in to the closet unfortunately that's also were the liquor was kept. My first drinking experience. I became a liar to everyone weather I needed to or not. By this time I felt like a outcast in my own family. I was always fighting with my parents. They didn't understand me at all. But I finally had two good friends.They both had problems at home. ( Sorry girls) I am not so sure they even then knew I had a problem. But I had a friend who was with me every weekend. (she still to this day is my best friend. You know who you r...) But then my life crumbled before me the start of my freshman year she was sent to IL to live with her sister. Oh hell I had to go into the lion's den by myself.. She was my safety net. She was my bubble that protected me from all the mean words and actions of the kids. I continued to take comfort in the wonderful feelings I had with sugar and fatty foods. It was my one true friend that never left me. That summer I got my first car and learned how to sneak out. I started to seek out friends in all the wrong circles. They were outcasts to. They drank,smoked cigarettes and weed. If I wanted to fit in with them then I also had to do this. I found out that I could hide it real well from everyone including myself. (Boy did I have a problem.) It didn't help that I never got busted,( when I did get stopped they let me go because of my mom) that made me cool with my so called friends. I went to school still buzzed from the night before and on the way to school I would do some more. I was numb and that's the feeling I always wanted and needed. I HATE the words YOU WOULD BE SO PRETTY IF YOU WOULD JUST LOSE SOME WEIGHT. I heard it from my family and my teachers. They all thought it would help me. My weight wasn't my only issue that I had... stay tuned for part 2

My Husband's 7th Sobriety Birthday

Hey guys and gals. So i decided to share some of our story we have been married 14 years and for 7 years I lived in the hell of addiction (both of us). After we got on the right track in sobriety and with God, my awesome husband wrote this poem in 2004. It's also his 7th year clean today. I felt I needed to share this poem with all of you reading this. Hope you read it and finish.

 Love to all Becky 

 THIS IS WHAT I SEE

I sit right across from you and breath the same air

I have the same eye color, same face, same hair

We look at each other with that same empty stare

I can't stand to look at you anymore, but still I can't look away

Why do I deal with you day after day

I know I have to be rid of you, I know I can't stay

So I'm smashing this mirror and running away

THIS IS WHAT I AM

As I'm running away something burns inside like a fire

It flows through my veins and makes me feel higher

It's burning my soul, now was this my desire

You see I'm a junkie, a dealer, a theif and a liar

I have built my castle upon the lives I've destroyed 

But my castle's empty and haunted by ghosts of those which I've toyed

And now my death is imminent, my sentence has been deployed

THIS IS HOW I FEEL

I'm dying you see and I need a way out, so I look up to the stars

As they shine into my darkness, I see they are to far

So I raise up my hands to the sky and say"whoever you are"

I'm stuck in a hole, it's dark and I'm scared

And I can't give you any reason why I should be spared

Hey, are you listening, take me or save me, are you hearing impared

Idon't know why I should expect your help, no one else has ever cared

THIS IS WHAT I NEED

Nothing but death, destruction, cages and tears

This all sounds like self-pity, self-delusion and constant fear

But this is what I've dealt with for 17 years

So I need a way out, I need your direction 

I'm being attacked on all sides and I need your protection

Take the pain inside I need this dissection

But more than anything love me, please, I need your affection

THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO OFFER

I can't offer you much in return only my life, my heart, my soul

Maybe I could follow you through hell to snacth up survivors from the coals

I'll claim you as my leader till the day I grow old

I will march with you into battle standing side by side

And the laws you lay down for me, these I'll abide

So when you call on me to do work, I'll never again run and hide

Then I can bring unto you millons with arms open wide

THIS IS MY HOPE

So if you teach me how to feel

There's a chance one day I'll feel something so real

And if I wake up tomorrow I gues it's a deal

Then I'll owe you a debt I could never repay

For graciously giving me life, instead of the death I lived yesterday

So I'll hit my knees, look to the heavens and say

Thank you my loving father, my prince of peace in your arms I will forever stay

By Billy Hofler 2004

MY HUSBAND

Everyone has problems in their lives right now. I am no different then anyone else. My husband's doctor decided he need surgery right away. So off we went to St. Johns. 1st thing you must know is my husband hates doctors and hospitals. So he was already not happy about this. We show up at 7:30 am and they start processing him. He is in really good spirits and a total smart ass.(normal) The nurse asks him if he has a living will or power of medical whatever.. He is like no why do I need one..I am like yeah unless you want to be hooked to a machine to live. On the real side I know his wishes but do not want a fight with my in-laws on his wishes. So he fills it out protesting the whole time about voice of doom and asking for the worst. So they take him back and tell me he should be out in 1hour total. I was like that's awesome. Went down and got a coffee and came back up and the TV were you keep track of your family said still in OR. So I go and sit and wait some more 10,20,30 minutes go by and I go look to the all great and powerful TV screen status is still in OR. Okay so we are officially over the time. Great like I am not nervous enough. 15 minutes go by I carry my pager with ( did I tell you they give you a pager) me downstairs to the gift shop and coffee house. Granted anywhere you go its at least a 1/2 mile to get there. So I do some shopping and get another coffee then head back upstairs so now its been 2 hours and I call once again my mother and sister in-law(like the 50th time each) so they can help me stay calm. I am so use to being the patient not the family waiting for news. So once again I make an appearance in front of the TV status still in OR okay so now its not a good sign. I start to get really upset so I make my calls yes again.. Check the screen status OR really really it hasn't changed in 2 1/2 hours. I must start again asking questions. Blue Ladies please tell me whats going on with my husband, oh you need his name again (like they haven't heard it a lot). Oh okay so you are his wife, well the doctor wants you to wait for him in this tiny little room so he can speak with you. He could be 15 minutes. Great more waiting...Okay I am running out to the TV screen again no change and running back to the room.(don't want to miss the doctor) Finally the doctor makes his appearance in my little room (by this time I am having a panic attack not knowing all) He says Your husband stopped breathing(what) will the surgery itself took 15 minutes the rest of the time was spent trying to keep him breathing. He stopped 3 times. 3 times God brought him back. Okay so of course then they take him to ICU for 1 1/2 hours(still haven't seen him) Finally after 5 venti cups of strong coffee and 4.5 hours later I get to see my soul mate the love of my life. AHHHH I can breathe again he is alive and still a smart ass. Thank you God.... So when we tell him what happens he says its cause of the bad karma from the living will arghhhhhh. Still very happy...:) 

GOD 1 DEVIL 0

courage

Every time I go to a doctor they love to change my medications. Every time they change my medications there is more side effects. More side effects more pain, illness, stomach problems etc. Always changing, always sick. Never the same. When people ask me how I am, do they really want to know? I have stopped sharing how I am cause its the same poor you look. I would love my answer to be I am pain FREE and sick FREE. But alas I can not say this. Don't get me wrong I have my good days. But none when my body and mind are perfect. I miss the days when there were no pills, no shots, and no nasty liquid. I miss the pain free days. Through my illness I have learned humility, patience and to have courage. I have meet some really wonderful people threw my disease. I have grown because of my illness.

 Life is a Courage

Courage to do something extraordinary,
Courage to fight with diseases,  

Courage to make people stand on their own,

Courage to believe in someone, 

Courage to fight against all odds.       
  BY Suruchi Puri 

Psa 31:24 
Be strong, and let your heart take courage, All ye that hope in Jehovah.

I have lupus. Lupus does not have me.

In the 1950's the five year survival rate for lupus patients was only 50%... one out of two patients. Lupus was considered a "death sentence".

By the 1990's the 10 year survival rate had been hovering at 90% and the 20 year survival rate at 70%.
 I am close to hitting the three year mark. (Although many lupus patient can tell you they have had lupus for YEARS before receiving a confirmed diagnosis).
 

I totally and completely forgot to enjoy life for quite awhile after the diagnosis was confirmed.

You grieve.

Just like when someone you love dies, you grieve.

But, with lupus, there is no moment of finality... no funeral, no grave to visit.

You grieve for what you have lost due to the disease.

Many lupus patients lose friendships. We lose our careers, we lose financial security, we lose marriages, we lose our independence, we even lose our sense of who we are.

And all of this loss isn't bundled up into a Hollywood movie moment where we sigh, cry and move on...

The grief is complicated because what brings the suffering on is so unpredictable.

So enjoying life is a rather scary leap of faith.

If we allow ourselves to ENJOY we are risking losing that time of ENJOYING to feeling more deeply the pain of loss that could revisit us at the most unexpected moments.

To "enjoy the pleasure of being alive" when you have been hit with a chronic disease that is as unpredictable as a raging bull....

Well, that takes a load of courage.

Depression?
 Heck, I can deal with that. I have lived with depression so thoroughly for so long... it feels normal.

But, to let myself go and risk feeling pleasure... to feel pure joy...that requires courage.

I think I have known for a long time that when our hearts have been profoundly broken with deep sorrow... something inside us breaks through to allow us to feel the deepest liberating joy too.

So today I am going to surrender to joy.

Things I Have Done

Shot a gun

Gone on a blind date

Skipped school

 Watched someone die

Watch a baby being born 

Been to Canada 

Been on a cruise 

Been to more than 45 states

Been to Mexico 

Been on a plane 

Been lost 

Swam in the Ocean  really only waded!! 

Cried yourself to sleep

  Recently colored with crayons 

Sang Karaoke

Paid for a meal with coins only 

Made prank phone calls 

Laughed until some beverage came out of your nose 

Laughed until you cried

Caught a snowflake on your tongue 

Danced in the rain 

Written a letter to Santa Claus 

Written a letter to a stranger. 

Been kissed under the mistletoe

 Watched the sunrise with someone

Blown bubbles

 Camped out under the stars 

 Seen something so beautiful that it took your breath away

 Got married

 Have children I have two 4-legged ones

Have done illegal drugs. Lots 
 Been skinny dipping outdoors

Been fishing

Been boating 

Been Hiking

Been camping in a trailer/RV or tent

Flown in a small 2 or 4-seater airplane

Been flying in a helicopter

 Been flying in a hot air balloon 

Gone to a drive-in movie 

Done something that should have killed me.

Done something that you will regret (feel sad about) for the rest of your life 

 Eaten just cookies for dinner

Been in a car accident .To many

Got Piercings and Tattoos 

Been left at a Wal-mart in Florida with no money, ID or clothes.


This is just a start on what I have done. LOL