My Husband's 7th Sobriety Birthday

Hey guys and gals. So i decided to share some of our story we have been married 14 years and for 7 years I lived in the hell of addiction (both of us). After we got on the right track in sobriety and with God, my awesome husband wrote this poem in 2004. It's also his 7th year clean today. I felt I needed to share this poem with all of you reading this. Hope you read it and finish.

 Love to all Becky 

 THIS IS WHAT I SEE

I sit right across from you and breath the same air

I have the same eye color, same face, same hair

We look at each other with that same empty stare

I can't stand to look at you anymore, but still I can't look away

Why do I deal with you day after day

I know I have to be rid of you, I know I can't stay

So I'm smashing this mirror and running away

THIS IS WHAT I AM

As I'm running away something burns inside like a fire

It flows through my veins and makes me feel higher

It's burning my soul, now was this my desire

You see I'm a junkie, a dealer, a theif and a liar

I have built my castle upon the lives I've destroyed 

But my castle's empty and haunted by ghosts of those which I've toyed

And now my death is imminent, my sentence has been deployed

THIS IS HOW I FEEL

I'm dying you see and I need a way out, so I look up to the stars

As they shine into my darkness, I see they are to far

So I raise up my hands to the sky and say"whoever you are"

I'm stuck in a hole, it's dark and I'm scared

And I can't give you any reason why I should be spared

Hey, are you listening, take me or save me, are you hearing impared

Idon't know why I should expect your help, no one else has ever cared

THIS IS WHAT I NEED

Nothing but death, destruction, cages and tears

This all sounds like self-pity, self-delusion and constant fear

But this is what I've dealt with for 17 years

So I need a way out, I need your direction 

I'm being attacked on all sides and I need your protection

Take the pain inside I need this dissection

But more than anything love me, please, I need your affection

THIS IS ALL I HAVE TO OFFER

I can't offer you much in return only my life, my heart, my soul

Maybe I could follow you through hell to snacth up survivors from the coals

I'll claim you as my leader till the day I grow old

I will march with you into battle standing side by side

And the laws you lay down for me, these I'll abide

So when you call on me to do work, I'll never again run and hide

Then I can bring unto you millons with arms open wide

THIS IS MY HOPE

So if you teach me how to feel

There's a chance one day I'll feel something so real

And if I wake up tomorrow I gues it's a deal

Then I'll owe you a debt I could never repay

For graciously giving me life, instead of the death I lived yesterday

So I'll hit my knees, look to the heavens and say

Thank you my loving father, my prince of peace in your arms I will forever stay

By Billy Hofler 2004

MY HUSBAND

Everyone has problems in their lives right now. I am no different then anyone else. My husband's doctor decided he need surgery right away. So off we went to St. Johns. 1st thing you must know is my husband hates doctors and hospitals. So he was already not happy about this. We show up at 7:30 am and they start processing him. He is in really good spirits and a total smart ass.(normal) The nurse asks him if he has a living will or power of medical whatever.. He is like no why do I need one..I am like yeah unless you want to be hooked to a machine to live. On the real side I know his wishes but do not want a fight with my in-laws on his wishes. So he fills it out protesting the whole time about voice of doom and asking for the worst. So they take him back and tell me he should be out in 1hour total. I was like that's awesome. Went down and got a coffee and came back up and the TV were you keep track of your family said still in OR. So I go and sit and wait some more 10,20,30 minutes go by and I go look to the all great and powerful TV screen status is still in OR. Okay so we are officially over the time. Great like I am not nervous enough. 15 minutes go by I carry my pager with ( did I tell you they give you a pager) me downstairs to the gift shop and coffee house. Granted anywhere you go its at least a 1/2 mile to get there. So I do some shopping and get another coffee then head back upstairs so now its been 2 hours and I call once again my mother and sister in-law(like the 50th time each) so they can help me stay calm. I am so use to being the patient not the family waiting for news. So once again I make an appearance in front of the TV status still in OR okay so now its not a good sign. I start to get really upset so I make my calls yes again.. Check the screen status OR really really it hasn't changed in 2 1/2 hours. I must start again asking questions. Blue Ladies please tell me whats going on with my husband, oh you need his name again (like they haven't heard it a lot). Oh okay so you are his wife, well the doctor wants you to wait for him in this tiny little room so he can speak with you. He could be 15 minutes. Great more waiting...Okay I am running out to the TV screen again no change and running back to the room.(don't want to miss the doctor) Finally the doctor makes his appearance in my little room (by this time I am having a panic attack not knowing all) He says Your husband stopped breathing(what) will the surgery itself took 15 minutes the rest of the time was spent trying to keep him breathing. He stopped 3 times. 3 times God brought him back. Okay so of course then they take him to ICU for 1 1/2 hours(still haven't seen him) Finally after 5 venti cups of strong coffee and 4.5 hours later I get to see my soul mate the love of my life. AHHHH I can breathe again he is alive and still a smart ass. Thank you God.... So when we tell him what happens he says its cause of the bad karma from the living will arghhhhhh. Still very happy...:) 

GOD 1 DEVIL 0